Somebody someday...
Somebody someday will love that I've lived in Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Nevada and Minnesota.
Somebody someday will admire my independence, my drive, my unwillingness to settle.
Somebody someday will be in awe of my pursuit of variety and always aiming to try something different.
Somebody someday will love my cooking and baking without end.
Somebody someday will be truly grateful I didn't fall in love with someone else.
Somebody someday will love my relentlessly detailed planning.
Somebody someday will know me truly and what makes me heart happy and my mind rest.
Somebody someday will make this unhappy loneliness I feel worth it.
Somebody someday will be right for me... will be worth waiting for...
I wish it was someday. I wish it wasn't just me. I'm tired of regular ol' me.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Dear life, What's next?
With graduation number three approaching I again am faced with the horrible inescapable and depressingly unavoidable question of "what's next?" I find this theme in my life of the presence of this inquiry consistently leaves me feeling alone, distraught, frustrated, and overwhelmed with anxiety. Why is this?
Being far from the first battle against such a miserable question I have a few ideas:
1. Variety is the spice of life, and rarely is variety obtained by committing to a full time career. You will begin excited for the paycheck, hopeful for the future, and even curious to see where this magical path will take you. This honeymoon phase lasts approximately six months and then the truth comes out: it's not all glamorous, your coworkers have some rather frustrating quirks (the ones you only put up with when your closest friends and family do them but are certainly not worth is for anyone not in those positions), your eight hour shift has magically turned into an eternity, and your sick and tired of having no time to enjoy because you're either a. constantly at work or b. exhausted from having been at work. You crave change, variety, something different! and instead you are forced to return again the next morning for the so well known same shit, different day.
2. Every time I look at a job that truly lights a spark in my heart I glance at the pay and benefits and that spark is reduced to a mere wisp of smoldering ash where hope and happiness once were though possible but now drip with satirical laughter.
3. Training. it blows.
4. and finally...
So, what the hell happens next? To tell you the truth I don't exactly know. I've tried many times to get the answer right and as far as I can tell, the fact that I'm in the middle of my twenties, had about fifteen jobs in the last three years, and about to graduate with a certification in a field that I'm pretty sure is not what I want to do for another day, means that I am in fact awful at answering the question in general.
With all these revelations I have come to a few conclusions however: first, I do really enjoy baking and craft beer. They are two topics that fascinate me and lure me into conversation regardless of who it's with or what it's about. I love seeing the interworking's of a persons true self as it is realized by their God-given pallet. What food and beverages you decide to put into your body is a very intimate thing and can control your actions and attitudes with such ease of persuasion I believe it's truly an art and can even be a weapon.
With such awareness of my passions you might wonder why this choice regarding where to go in life is so hard but ironically remains to be resolved. The challenge I face is that my passion is quite a niche on one hand and on the other somewhat of a lost hope for financial and professional stability. (Funny how my desire for variety gets in the way of my requirement for a tangible safety net.) I'm caught in a battle between my head and my heart. I'm skilled at what bores me and afraid of what thrills me.
The reality is I have no answers and change is fast approaching. I am incredibly curious and completely helpless to say what's next. All I have to lean on and cling to is this one thing which I struggle to remember but force myself to know more now than ever:
Being far from the first battle against such a miserable question I have a few ideas:
1. Variety is the spice of life, and rarely is variety obtained by committing to a full time career. You will begin excited for the paycheck, hopeful for the future, and even curious to see where this magical path will take you. This honeymoon phase lasts approximately six months and then the truth comes out: it's not all glamorous, your coworkers have some rather frustrating quirks (the ones you only put up with when your closest friends and family do them but are certainly not worth is for anyone not in those positions), your eight hour shift has magically turned into an eternity, and your sick and tired of having no time to enjoy because you're either a. constantly at work or b. exhausted from having been at work. You crave change, variety, something different! and instead you are forced to return again the next morning for the so well known same shit, different day.
2. Every time I look at a job that truly lights a spark in my heart I glance at the pay and benefits and that spark is reduced to a mere wisp of smoldering ash where hope and happiness once were though possible but now drip with satirical laughter.
3. Training. it blows.
4. and finally...
So, what the hell happens next? To tell you the truth I don't exactly know. I've tried many times to get the answer right and as far as I can tell, the fact that I'm in the middle of my twenties, had about fifteen jobs in the last three years, and about to graduate with a certification in a field that I'm pretty sure is not what I want to do for another day, means that I am in fact awful at answering the question in general.With all these revelations I have come to a few conclusions however: first, I do really enjoy baking and craft beer. They are two topics that fascinate me and lure me into conversation regardless of who it's with or what it's about. I love seeing the interworking's of a persons true self as it is realized by their God-given pallet. What food and beverages you decide to put into your body is a very intimate thing and can control your actions and attitudes with such ease of persuasion I believe it's truly an art and can even be a weapon.
With such awareness of my passions you might wonder why this choice regarding where to go in life is so hard but ironically remains to be resolved. The challenge I face is that my passion is quite a niche on one hand and on the other somewhat of a lost hope for financial and professional stability. (Funny how my desire for variety gets in the way of my requirement for a tangible safety net.) I'm caught in a battle between my head and my heart. I'm skilled at what bores me and afraid of what thrills me.
The reality is I have no answers and change is fast approaching. I am incredibly curious and completely helpless to say what's next. All I have to lean on and cling to is this one thing which I struggle to remember but force myself to know more now than ever:
 |
| thanks mom. thanks dad. |
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